Today was a small shiny snip-it of a GOLDEN day for me.
(Don’t know what I’m talking about, refresh your memory about my blog title here.)
So often I doubt my mothering skills. I agonize over how much time I’m NOT spending with T helping to develop his brain and knowledge. I agonize over having to ask for help with his homework because I literally can not be there after school every day. I feel guilt for someone else having to pick up my slack. I feel guilt because my decision to go back to school takes away my time to be his mom, to be his BEST mom.
Is anyone else making me feel guilty? NO! I think my mom LOVES being teacher again and getting to be there while he learns to read and amaze at his intelligence.
But I still feel it. I still question my EVERY parental decision. Dave came to visit before heading up to the “Great North, eh” and I couldn’t wait for him to have T read out loud to him – all the while wondering if he would feel I hadn’t done enough.
Does he EVER, for one second question my devotion to our son and the hard work parenting (mostly alone) is? NEVER! If anything he’s be overly encouraging and constantly telling me how proud he is of me (I still struggle to accept these kinds of complements).
But today. Today was MARVELOUS! Today I walked away from a one on one conference with T’s K5 teacher thinking “Jess, you’re doing awesome!” And that was by the time I got to the car and excitedly called Dave to share all the awesomeness she had just shared with me. While she was talking, it was more a “Oh, wow, maybe I’m not totally screwing up on a regular basis…maybe he isn’t suffering from my hurried ‘here, T, copy these words while mommy fixes dinner’ or ‘hey, bud, let’s think of all the different ways we can count to 20, 50, 100’ over breakfast since I just remembered there was that second part to “homework” and we didn’t do it last night….”
It was a truly amazing little snip-it of golden. And after the last couple weeks of feeling like the crazy in my brain was going to burst from realizing that maybe I am feeling a little bit of a difference because of the med decrease – I NEEDED THIS! I’ve been proud of him a million times since he was born.
Today I was proud of me too.
A Golden Day of Peace 