Category: Scatter Brained

Life, Scatter Brained

A big deep sigh…

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I definitely thought I had published a post a week or two ago. I guess I didn’t. I think it had something to do with getting back to blogging as a means of therapy for myself. Letting out some of the crazy (and some of the more sane) thoughts that run through my brain 24/7. Okay, not all of them. No one else needs to know my daily schedule down to the minute. If I wanted to do that I’d be on Twitter. But I don’t, so I’m not. But I digress…

I need to write out my thoughts. I need to release some of them – the ones I’m brave enough to share. It’s really scary to lay it all out on a screen, and even scarier to hit publish. But it also feels great afterwards when you know that you’ve just done something SO BRAVE.

For a person constantly struggling from depression and questioning her every decision – having a small feeling of accomplishment can go a LONG way to boost me up emotionally in the right direction. I start to think “Well hey, I just had the strength to do that, clearly I can conquer the world now!”

Ok, maybe not to that extreme, but I do feel better and think more positively. Until the next negative thought creeps in.

Did I mention I’m in my first semester in nursing school? It’s hard. As in REALLY, truly, the hardest thing I’ve tried to accomplish, maybe, ever to date. I have help. Boy, do I have help! But, it’s still hard.

Did I also mention that I decided now was THE time to lower my dose/possibly completely get off my meds? What.Was.I.Thinking? I’m terrified after reading that I could dive into a deeper depression than when I started as a “side effect”. So, in order to surround myself completely with anchors, I told my family (ha! And now YOU!) and actually confided in a couple of my instructors. I mean, they are nurses and there to help us be the best we can be…and they might start to wonder what’s up if I start coming to class wearing pjs and puffy eyes because I was weepy for some unknown (to me) reason. Because I won’t miss class…but clearly personal hygiene would be an indicator that I’m slowly trying to stay in bed, all day.

That’s my update. This is my big sigh – the moment I sit here for a second and consider to hit publish or not.

Life, Love, Parenting, Scatter Brained

Bad blogger, bad!

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I’ve always been one. I mean this is the umpteenth time I’ve started a blog, gotten pretty good and then slowly let it slide to the back-burner. Please don’t think for one second I haven’t thought, “man, this would make a good blog” or “I should write about this feeling” because I have, so many times!

Sometimes the issue is that I’d like to write about something (OH WOULD I) but because my blogs are public, there’s no way I could write about a certain situation (and the feelings it created) without people knowing what, where, when, AND worse! who I was talking about. It’s a little frustrating because really, so much I want to write about!

I’ll sum up the last few months with one word: S T R E S S F U L.

  • I started classes in May about a week after we arrived.
  • The rental is not as ideal as I thought it would be.
  • I desperately wanted a new puppy.
  • I got said puppy, fell in love, Boo became less stressed, but I became more stressed.
  • I finished 4 classes this summer with a B+ or better.
  • Dave deployed.
  • T was enrolled in pre-K: all day, every day. Where is my baby?
  • I started Fall semester: retaking Microbiology (because my excellent grade of B+ is “too old”) and I’m taking an Old Testament class (oh yeah, I’m enrolled at a private Christian college…more of a challenge than I expected)
  • Deployment has been SO MUCH MORE stressful in extremely unexpected ways.
  • T misses his daddy and San Diego in very expected but heartbreakingly painful ways

I don’t know how I would be doing so well in school if it weren’t for my parents. I wish I could take them out to dinner to say thank you, but I know they wouldn’t let me, and let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be enough to really sum up all they have done to help T, Dave and me out.

The positives? I feel closer to Dave emotionally, spiritually, romantically, etc. now more than ever. Some how we have been able to be each other’s rocks of support from thousands of miles apart. Emails, calls, Google hangouts: they’ve been a true blessing over the last few months. It has been amazing to see just how connected to Dave T had become in the glorious year we actually got to spend together in San Diego. (Also, heartbreaking, but I’m trying to focus on the positives…) Sporadically, I have been reminded of the awesome friends we have made over the last few years in our military journey together. These reminders have always come at truly needed time.

In any case, I’m trying to find center and get back to a routine that involves more time for NON studying me-time. I’d like to think that will happen before Christmas break. 😉

Commitment, Forgetful, Life, Scatter Brained

Ha, commitment!

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I have 5 draft posts waiting to be finished, three of which I honestly thought I’d finished and posted soon after the first post. I think maybe I finish the posts in my head when the subject matter becomes relevant again…or it’s just more of a sign of my bat-shit-crazy frazzled brain these days.

Tonight! Tonight, I finish all in draft mode.